Worried parents are told that limiting their children’s screen time is essential.
“Experts” advise restricting access and most parents go along with this.
I understand why. There are so many scary stories going around about gaming addiction, technology that’s designed to manipulate our minds and harm done to children’s brain development.
If you are looking around for justification for restricting screen time or gaming, you’ll certainly find it.
So parents go ahead and take away their child’s device, ban the game play or make strict rules around screen time.
But there’s another radical option.
It involves having a connected, respectful, cooperative relationship with your child.
To have this kind of relationship means focusing on trust, support, encouragement and play. It also means being willing to question those scary stories about screen time.
I’m not saying limits are wrong, but I’m going to invite you to consider some different points of view.
Here are some reasons not to impose restrictions on screens and gaming:
1. They may think you’re mean.
You will be taking away or limiting something your child loves. This will most likely make them upset and angry. They will think you’re horrible. If they express their feelings to you this will likely make you upset and angry too. So now everyone is suffering.
Your relationship could be based on joy, connection and kindness. I’m not saying that’s going to be easy, but it will feel a whole lot better than being your child’s adversary and struggling every day over screens..
2. They may think you don’t love them.
You are probably telling your child that the games or other content they so love is “bad”, “harmful”, “rubbish” or some other harsh judgement. Your child could easily end up thinking that they are bad or not good enough too. Judgements create painful feelings. Is that what you really want?
3. Can you be certain that you’re right?
No doubt you’ve read or heard that gaming or screen time can be harmful for children and you’re worried. But can you be sure that it’s true? Is it really that black and white? How much is “too much” and do different children have different experiences? Can you easily navigate all the conflicting advice and “studies” that you are bombarded with these days?
Can you think of 3 things that you were told by your parents were “bad for you” that you did anyway and didn’t actually harm you? Maybe eating lots of chocolate, watching scary movies or playing video games? Ask yourself again; can you be absolutely sure that screen time is harming your child?
4. It doesn’t promote self-regulation.
If you control how your child uses technology they won’t get a chance to learn what their own body is telling them. Just like with food, our bodies send us signals to keep us in balance; we can feel uncomfortable, restless or get flare ups of emotion when we’ve been using devices for a long time. Over time, and with a parents gentle support, children learn to listen to these signals – but not if they never get the chance due to imposed limits.
5. It doesn’t promote learning.
By limiting use of technology you are also limiting what your child can learn from using it. Many video games are very difficult and take time to learn. There are skills to be acquired and the logic of the game to be understood. Children gain great confidence when they have the time to engage deeply with a game and master it. Likewise, children may want to immerse in a genre of movies or a few channels on YouTube to fully absorb the information, details, stories, humour or because they like the way it sparks their imagination. The more you get involved and connect with their interests, the more you will learn about your child and observe what they are learning.
6. It makes life a struggle.
Do you really want to be constantly struggling with your children? Have you considered the toll that this takes on a relationship over time? You are almost certainly noticing the toll that it takes on your wellbeing and maybe also your health.
Wouldn’t you rather your child saw you as a partner and ally? Someone who was modeling happiness and respectful relationships?
7. It makes them want it more and invites sneaking.
When you set limits and restrict the use of technology you will strengthen your child’s desire for it. When it’s restricted your child is more likely to binge, hyper-focus, get anxious or sneak time when you’re not watching. They can never fully relax and enjoy their play or viewing because they will be worried that it will be taken away.
8. You want your kids to learn problem solving skills.
If you step in and impose limits and rules when you have a problem with their gaming or screen time you will be teaching them that the way to solve problems is to exercise power over others. Is this what you really want them to learn? Wouldn’t you rather they learned a process of cooperative problem solving instead?
9. Do you want to break out of the bad guy role?
Do you want to be an authoritarian policing figure in your child’s life? Do you want them to be afraid of your threats, yelling or punishments?
My clear answer was No. But at first I didn’t know what else to do. I’d resorted to the same techniques that my own parents used, even though I didn’t like them. That’s why I started a fresh approach. I learned a system for dealing with my issues and solving problems in a peaceful, respectful and cooperative way. I share this system that worked so well for me in the course Making Peace with Screens and Gaming.
10. If they get stuck or upset you’ll be there to help out.
There will inevitably be challenges. What sort of activities that children love don’t have challenges? At some stage they will see something that scares or upsets them. They will have a falling out with a friend online. They will get stuck in a game and lose their temper in frustration.
If you are involved and supportive of your child’s gaming or screen time, they’re much more likely to come to you for help if they need it. If they think that all they’re going to get from you is another harsh judgement of their passion, then they’ll struggle on by themselves or ask someone else. Wouldn’t you like to be the person they turn to?
My two sons were passionate about video games and devoted countless hours to playing them. That’s why I understand the fears that parents face – I faced them all myself.
When I made the choice not to limit their screen time (unless there was a clear agreement made with my children) a whole new world opened up for me. It was a world of shared play, connection and adventure where we met the challenges and learned together.
If you would like to learn more about my system for living in harmony with children and technology have a look at my course Making Peace with Screens and Gaming.
I have limits and I’ve been crying the hell outta my lungs
Hi Angel, Please get in touch if you would like some support.
wut
hi
i have limits to and it sucks.
it does and parents should let us have some space and do parents even trust us?
Same
My mom limits me to 3 hours a day and i dont go to school, so pretty much 3 hours, cry, shower, and sleep for forever, it sucks and she goes straight to sarcasm when i bring it up:( Plus the 2 friends i actually have(nobody really talks to me because my dad is rude and makes it hard to hangout with someone) and they both tease me for my screentime
i wish i got three hours i have two on the tv then at max 25 min on phone and then home work, also the deceptive thing is spot on i do it some time but my brothers all the time
I have from 9 to 2 45 but almost every thing like games is 1 min netflix 1 min like i cant even do anything aside from listening to music podcast
it because time flys when your gaming unfortunately
Freya, it’s sounds like you have a beautiful relationship with your own kids. Do you have any data on how your methods work for other families? Our 7 year old is exhibiting signs of TV addiction. Maybe some kids are more susceptible to the dopamine effect of tv and other electronics than others. It can be very addictive.
There are not enough hours in the day to let some kids watch or play as long as they want. They need things like sleep, exercise, socialization, fresh air. If they wanted to eat candy all day, would that be healthy? No. If they wanted to sleep all day, would that be healthy? No. Everything in moderation.
lol same
like how do parents trust us ecus i had limits from literally day one without even being told but back then it was fine but now i’m 12 and i have a WHOLE HOUR less than i did and i am literally crying my eyes out bcus i have lots of interests on screens eg. drawing, filming, taking photos and chatting to my friends and they are just taking them away from me and i hate it more than anything! ps my parents look thru my messages which i find private and confidential and it can make me feel insecure about what i write to my friends bcus my mum/dad will look at it 🙁
SO TRUE
Tell your parents that it is illegal to look through anyone’s things that they consider secret. You can straight up sue them right now.
angel are you good .
my mom limits me to 1 minute and i’m an a and b student
I too have never put limits on screen time and have always been criticized for it. But… then I tell them our role is to allow them to use technology RESPONSIBLY AND APPROPRIATELY. Especially because the tech they use will never truly be gone. Practicing the navigation and relationship of everyday tech and platforms is helping them develop skills that are truly expected of them when they arrive at school/work/problem solving.
I agree Shelby. Developing skills in technology use and exploring our relationship with technology is a vital aspect of life these days. Children learn through experience and I wanted my children to have those early experiences with me there by their side.
I have been trying to find a website like this for ages and all I find is ” tech is bad and outside is good!” but their saying to me is “tech bad destroying other kids dreams good!” thanks you for this website!! maybe I can convince my parents from 2 hours weekdays and 4 hours weekends to something more!!!!
Hi Beau,
Thanks for your comment. I’m glad that you found the article supportive and I hope your parents can be convinced. Here is the link to another article that might help: https://www.freyadawson.com.au/the-wisdom-of-gaming/
Im gonna also show this to my parents just maybe they will stop restricting it 😉 I’m 10 btw and i only get 3 hours its hard to live like this and this has been going on for YEARSSSSSSSS.
Depending on where you live you could ask your parents to enroll you into the able program which is an online school. Therefore you could have more screen time using a Chromebook. Plus on your lunch break, you can play unblocked games on it! But don’t be doing it during class that will get you in trouble.
ive had it every since 7 and im 13 ur ok.
if your ten you should be okay with three i currently get two but used to only have thirty minutes
Bro ever since i got a device my mom looks for ways to put screen time on when i got my first nentendo switch boom screen time when i got my xbox boom sreen time when i got this ipad boom screen time i never got away from the goofy a screen time all way screen time like
My child has not had limits on their screen time. We have enjoyed a wonderful bond and are very close. But, it is a fact that things like IG are addictive by design – and now, my child is suffering from sleep deprivation because they haven’t developed the self control to put their phone down at night. An intervention has become necessary, but the suggestion of implementing a little structure or parental controls turns them into Mr. Hyde (because that’s what addiction looks like). It is shocking to me. My recommendation to anyone is to to either establish rules and boundaries on the front end or simply live without screens, because as stated above, changing things is very hard after the fact.
Can you be absolutely sure that the reaction is because “that is what addiction looks like”? Is it possible that your child is reacting to your attempt to control them? In my experience there are ways of tackling any problem that do not involve imposing control over your child. That is what my book Joyful Parenting is all about.
Can you be absolutely sure that the reaction is because “that is what addiction looks like”? Is it possible that your child is reacting to your attempt to control them? In my experience there are ways of tackling any problem that do not involve imposing control over your child. That is what my book Joyful Parenting is all about.
Yes, because neuroscience tells us that children’s brains are not fully developed and actually more likely to get addicted. Also, people are getting paid big bucks to figure out how to keep people on their screens.
Hi Dave,
Neither of my two sons got addicted at all and they figured out exactly what was going on with the games and technology they use. They have become very aware and well educated users of technology.
Hi Freya, When my kids dabbled in gaming (which wasn’t for long), their social skills declined markedly along with their interest in anything except gaming. They were also subjected to abuse by other gamers. Yes they might pick up skills, but how about the skills of respect for others, knowledge of what is happening in the actual world, contribution to the household, and exercise?
Hi Judy,
I’m sorry to hear that your girls were subjected to abuse by other gamers. I’m glad to say that my boys did not have that experience in the 10 years they were devoted to gaming.
When you talk about respect for others, knowledge about the world, contribution to the household and exercise my response is simple. I aimed to to be a role model for my sons by showing them respect and showing respect for others, being very curious about the world and sharing my interest, enjoying my contribution to the household and enjoying exercise.
Have you had a face-to-face talk with your child? Have you listened to your child and thought about what they said? I suggest, trying to bond with them and talk calmly about the manner at hand, and try to listen. But that is just my recommendation.
sometimes that… if some kdis don’t learn anything about tech or gaming, they can be made fun of.
I’m gonna send this to my dad. Hopefully he doesn’t go cookoo.
Sounds nice when your child knows they’ve had enough. One of our children has ADHD, he doesn’t know when enough is enough. He cannot self regulate and learn from experience.
My experience with my own sons and many of their friends is that all children have the capacity to learn from their experience of gaming and to figure out how it affects them in different ways. Some children need a lot of unregulated time (ie time to play without limits being imposed) before they learn to self-regulate. It is also possible that your idea of “enough gaming” might be very different to his idea. He may love gaming so much that he is willing to push himself past what is easy or comfortable for himself in the short term.
I do think that limited screen time can be useful and can’t be. For example, a child can’t have screen time limits if they are in an online school. But it can be useful if they aren’t focusing in school then you could limit screen time. Who aggres?
My parents don’t allow any computer use AT ALL. Me share this and show everybody that I can have gaming time and freedom!
It so saaaaaaad
whats the point of having a screen if we’re gonna be on it for 30 minutes!!!!!
I hope it helps to change someone’s mind. I also hope that you find a way to follow your passion and play the games that you wanto to play.
WHAT!!! no computer !!!!!!!
I’m getting 1 hour of screen time everyday and it is actually painful because not only am I restricted to watching less YouTube I can’t even draw (I’m a digital artist) gaming is hardly possible because I only get four rounds in 1 hour.
Most of my passion are in my iPad and I’m not even allowed to learn or read or it will be counted in the hour 🙁
I’m sorry to hear that you are restricted in this way. I genuinely hope that you find a way to follow your interests.
In my opinion I’d give my child 2 free hour of screen time and if they want more they’ll have to either do chores, read a book(25 minutes), go out for a walk(10 minutes), or finish their homework for 1 more hour. (They can get a maximum of 8 hours per day) this way their electronics won’t get in the way of activity outside screen since they are literally doing those activities for screen time
Thanks for your suggestions. In our home my sons do things like chores, reading, exercise or homework because they want to do them, not because they have to earn the right to use screens.
i wish that was how my parents rolled i read all the time
That is an excellent suggestion. Children need to learn that in life, you have to earn things. Because eventually, all kids are going to be adults and need to understand that hard work equals rewards, and if kids can’t learn that, they will have a rough time adapting to the real world.
I would like to ask what age range this article is covering?
This article covers any age. That is not to say I would offer devices to a very young child. My eldest took up playing video games when he was 6 years old. There is a 4 year age gap between him and his younger brother, so naturally, my younger son was exposed at an earlier age and started playing video games at around 3 years old.
I’m 14 and I only have 2 hours and 30 minutes of screentime for; Snapchat, TikTok, youtube and be real, each day. I had to beg my dad for 2hrs and 30 minutes (he wanted to put it on for just 1 hour). what do you think i should do to get no limts?
I can only suggest that you explain to your Dad how much you learn while using your devices and how important it is for your social development and education generally.
I’m a parent and I can tell you what I would suggest you do to calm your parents fear about screentime.
– contribute to the household by doing chores
– ensure you do other things like socialise, exercise, family activities EVERY DAY
– don’t go mental when asked to get off the screen or to do something
We are having so much trouble with our 15 year old because he wants only screentime and won’t do anything else without a huge argument. He won’t do anything for us and expects us to just do everything for him while he plays games all day.
If he was doing some constructive things, spending time with the family, helping around the house then the screentime wouldn’t be a problem.
Also phrase remember your parents are not doing this because they want to control you, they are doing it because they are scared. Scared you won’t be able to get a job or take care of yourself if you don’t build the skills you need to do those things. Show them you are mature and capable and they will feel less afraid for you. 🙂
Hi Kaye,
From the child’s perspective, gaming IS constructive. Its both play and learning rolled into one.
If I am aware that I am trying to control my children based on my fears, then I do whatever I can to investigate and deal with my fears rather than project them on to my children.
Yes!
Are you joking!!
No screen time limits..
as a second time round parent I know how small a window you have to teach your children about so many Awesome things and skills in life. Staring at a two dimensional flashing screen of some idiot wanting them to subscribe is stealing my time as a parent to teach my kids actual real hands on skills in life . If ya want lazy screen zombies as kids just give them unlimited screen time!!!
My first two kids, Of course love them both to death…now almost 30…one was a chronic gamer screener, still is, not engaged, thinks a screen /social media is the world., still lives like a child..
The other, never interested, the world his oyster, and living it..
Hi Matt,
No, I’m not joking at all. I never imposed limits on my son’s screen time. I treated them with respect. I was available to support their interests, listen to them, play or watch with them at at times and help them solve any problems that came up. They both had a great time and learned so many awesome things. Both sons have now found many other interests and are thriving. They are now 21 and 17.
wow freya i wish my parents were like you you sound amazing 🙂
Well YouTube can teach them useful skills as well! For example, DIY stuff, Rubik’s cubes and even math! YouTube isn’t all the crap you parents think it is. Although it isn’t perfect (nothing is) you can still gain a LOT from the platform. Even if ur using it for entertainment you still gain happiness… although I’m not saying excessive screen time is good screens aren’t as bad as you think.
If you want your kids to be depressed don’t give them screen time!!! 100% guarantee they will Hate You. 🙂
Hi,
I’m a 15 yr adolescent with ADHD. My dad blocked me from social media (except for Youtube). he put a 5 hr screen limit on my phone. My dad also looks through my phone weekly to see what i’m doing. How can I tell him that him doing that is breaking my trust with him? How do I kindly ask him to stop or even come to an agreement?
-Thank you, Charity
Hi Charity,
Have you told him straight up that what he is breaking your trust in him? Have you asked him to stop and explained that you want to take more responsibility for your own well-being?
thank you so much for creating this website! Like many others i have been looking for a website like this for YEARS and as i’m reading this i am really wondering how this could apply with me and i’m hoping that my parents can understand this the way i do
This is absurd!
There is life beyond a screen. Leaving them to self-regulate is ridiculous, they are children, adults need to protect and care for them.
My child doesn’t want to go to school or eat healthy, should I let them give up education and cook pizza every night?! Get a grip, children need parents to be parents not a cool friend.
My sons learned to self regulate their screen time just as they learned to direct their own education and diet, with support and guidance from me.
i think that self regulation shpuld be allowed at the age of thirteen and older any younger is just too young
Both of my sons were self regulating from an early age.
Hello. If this is too long, feel free to delete it. I am going to share my story involving video games. I am curious what your thoughts will be after reading this. I have 5 children. One is grown, married and a parent. One is almost graduated from college. The others are 16, 13 and 11.
I am not arguing either direction; only sharing my experiences and observations with my own family.
My oldest children did not have exposure to electronic devices (other then TV) until they were 8 & 6. This was due to my fear of them becoming “addicted” to gaming like my 2 brothers were when we were kids. My mother said the Atari and Nintendo were the best babysitters, so there were zero limits. Both of my brothers disengaged from family, their friends and the outdoors and both became angry and violent while playing video games. I did not get to play the video games because I was a girl. (My Mom had a strange idea of what girls can do verses boys.) Now in their 40’s, both of my brothers are still the same way. They spend their free time playing video games and both are still angry and violent during gaming. They also have children and their children are gaming in the same manner.
Anyway, at first, there were no limits or requirements set for my two older children, prior to playing. It was this way for a couple years. My son loved gaming above all else and lost interest in friends, the outdoors, and sports; all things he loved prior to gaming. But what was worse, was his anger he developed. He began to throw his remote, break things that were near him, kick the walls and slam his fists onto the gaming console. Meanwhile, my daughter was developing anxiety and a decline in her self confidence. She isolated herself from her family and friends. Neither of them wanted to continue the community activities we had enjoyed prior to their excessive gaming. They no longer wanted to join family game night (board games and cards), go to the park, roast marshmallows in the backyard, have a day at the beach, go hiking, etc. Both kids developed dark circles around their eyes, frequent headaches, and were getting thin. They were obsessed with beating the games they were engaged in. I wanted the gaming to stop, my husband did not agree. He said it gave him peace and quiet; like my mother said about my brothers gaming.
Well, after an annual wellness check proved my kids were declining in their health, our pediatrician suggested to limit their gaming to a couple hours a day or less. My husband couldn’t deny this. So, we required them to have completed all schoolwork, eat a healthy meal, spend some time outside, keep their rooms kept up, and care for themselves (hygiene) before they could play their video games. They were allotted 2 hours before bedtime once all of that was completed. I did not notice a difference physically for many months, but emotionally, both children changed for the better in a shorter period of time. Although, my son was angry at me, just as you mentioned in your writing. He told me he hated me and he wished he had a different mom. He would isolate himself to his room. After 3 weeks, my children began to cuddle with me for family movie nights again, asked to play card games, wanted to meet with friends at the playground and started signing up for community runs/races again. Things were much better. My son still got angry while playing his game, but refrained from violent outbursts, and vented his frustration verbally so he wouldn’t lose his gaming system.
When these two turned 16, they no longer had time limits. They also had more electronic devices. They were at an age, where it mattered to them what they smelled like and looked like, so hygiene was not a problem. They both played sports, so were hungry and needed to stay in tip top shape, so diet was not a concern any longer either. Both kids became so used to keeping their rooms clean over the years, that they had the cleanest rooms in the whole house.
My daughter rarely played games. She chose to be with friends, family and outside over gaming. Our son still loved gaming. He also still got angry playing his game. He started back at violent outburst again. We had to patch many holes in his walls when he left to college. When he was not gaming, he was gentle. So interesting how he was affected by his gaming.
The three younger children had exposure to games as soon as they could use the equipment. Our middle child had limits set immediately. He never developed the issues his two older siblings did. He was happy to play his game during allotted time following his self care and room care. He continued to play with friends, engage in family time and community activities. I assume the difference is that he had not experience unlimited gaming so he was content with the rules. We loosened up a bit with the limits and noticed a change in him similar to his older brother, so immediately tightened back up and things went back to normal.
When we had our 5th child, things had changed. We were rarely home so gaming was nearly non existent. We were always camping, boating, hiking, beach going, swimming, etc. But our oldest son stayed home to game while the rest of us went on adventures. He said his siblings were too annoying. He never left his room, even to eat meals with us by the time he was a senior in Highschool. He played the game from the time he got home until 4 am some nights. He was always doing some competition or trying to defeat the game.
Our oldest daughter made a choice not to play games anymore. When she was 18, she told us she didn’t think her little siblings should have video games because it changed her mood and made her feel anxious and self conscious. She also talked about how it changed her younger brother into an angry person. She wanted to feel happy instead of anxious and sad and she did not want to “need” to play the game so she could be in a top tier. She said there is always pressure to be the best and to do that, you must play tirelessly. She said gaming took her life from her.
Our other children who had the gaming limits said they didn’t want to sit inside playing games and that it was more fun being outside.
Life was grand for everyone but our gamer who stayed home with his nose in a screen. Now he is a college student and luckily has been serious about school, no longer playing games due to lack of time. He is calm and not so angry anymore. Question is, due to him being 21 and more mature, or due to him not being able to play games? He says he notices that he isn’t as angry now that he doesn’t play video games, and he notices that now taking care of himself is easier without needing to “beat the game”. He says he misses gaming a lot, and will start back up once he finishes college, but says maybe he will set a timer for himself so he doesn’t get lost in gaming again.
Now our world is shook up. Our three younger kids are angry and sad. We moved a year ago to a place that does not offer the outdoor life we experience prior. We left the mountains, the ocean, fresh water lakes, glaciers, crisp, clean air, comfortable temperatures, and a safe, tight-nit community, for a flat, humid, super hot, snake infested waters, thick-bad-smelling air and unsafe city. Here, our kids do not get to hang out with friends around the town, go biking, hiking, swimming, camping, etc. It is miserable for them. I lifted all limits on gaming just so they have something to do that they enjoy. At first, the gaming was fine. They still spent time playing with each other, cooking nights with me, watching movies together and playing board games. After 5 months passed of unlimited gaming, they all three changed for the worst. All three of them are angry and have violent outbursts during their gaming. Another 7 months have passed and they refuse to eat because their game is more important. They fight going to bed at night because they want to keep playing their games. They all have dark circles around their eyes and all are losing weight. They all refuse to partake in family game night, family movie night, cooking, arts and crafts, etc. I can not get them interested in anything. They want to go do the things they used to do, but those things are not here. My youngest son says the most awful things. He seems to be so desensitized about killing and death. He is obsessed with Fortnite.
My 16 year old got into trouble at his school for partaking in chatting with a girl on the school laptop (not allowed at all) Well, the school wanted his school computer to be used for school work only and for me to put it up because he had been on it until 2 am which was causing him to fall asleep during class. He got suspended for 2 days for the messaging. So bizarre to me. The rules are intense here and it is very authoritative. Kids are punished not rewarded. Their old schools were the opposite. Kids were rewarded for good behavior and talked to about bad behavior but not punished. Well, this computer issue led to me having to call the police to intervene an altercation that occurred between my son and his father. Our son wanted the school computer, but could not have it. His PlayStation had been broken for a couple weeks so the only electronic device he had was the school computer. He was enraged! He was not himself. He was ready to fight for that school computer. Anyway, the police came and spoke to him. They told him that they understood his frustration but that he needs to control his actions. They talked to him about consequences if things had gone too far. Things settled down for quite awhile with our son. He started drawing and reading to pass the long boring days. We got him a guitar and he is loving that. We got his PlayStation fixed. That quickly showed to be a mistake. He started to become angry again. I don’t understand it. Why get so angry when you are doing something you enjoy? He eats once a day of that much. He refuses to watch family movies or go places with us.
The other two kids play on laptops. I just started limits on their games a couple days ago because they had a wellness exam, and both of them have declined in the health just as our two oldest had many years ago. Our youngest is so angry. The time limits are not very restrictive either. You are so right about how they react to time limits towards their parents. I have it set so that they must eat breakfast, and take a shower before they can play. Then they have 2 hours of game time before they have to get off and eat a snack, and do some other activity for an hour. Then they have 2 hours again, take an hour break to eat lunch and do something else. We repeat this throughout the day until bedtime.
Our daughter mopes around during her downtime. She complains about eating, but at least does it. She says she is bored and refuses to do anything during her downtime. She occasionally will watch TV. Otherwise she will lay in her bed staring at the cieling waiting for her game time to start back up.
During the downtime, Our youngest son scarfs down food, drinks water and will play with his toys, draw or play his drums. He is so angry though. Very verbally abusive. Especially while he is playing his game! If someone says something to him while he is playing he looses it!
So…there is my story. Long I know. I wanted to paint the true picture for you.
Based on the fact that both my family and my husbands family are riddled with addicts, my theory is that if a person is from a line of addicts, whether it be gambling, drinking, drugs or even fitness, they will not do well with unlimited access to video games. If a person comes from a line of emotionally stable people, without addictions, they will be responsible and happy with unlimited gaming.
What do you think?
Hi Amanda,
Thank you for sharing your family’s experience. I’m sorry to hear that things are not going well.
I also have significant issues with addiction in my family line and this possibility was something I was concerned about with my sons in the early stages of their gaming. However, I was always very involved with their gaming and often watched or joined in. I was there to provide a stable presence and to listen if they got upset.
We didn’t have the experience that you describe of children becoming angrier while playing. If anything, the gaming actually helped my sons to regulate their own emotions.
I’ve written an article about addiction that you may find interesting: https://freyadawson.com.au/are-you-worried-that-your-child-is-addicted-to-video-games/
Here is another article about that may interest you: https://freyadawson.com.au/dealing-peacefully-with-video-games/
how old were your younger two
Some great food for thought here. It certainly feels like our family is falling apart over this issue.
I am thinking about setting certain limits (bedtime, meal times) and letting everything else go. I will tell my 15 year old the real reason we are afraid of screentime is that we are scared it is all he will ever do. We’re scared of the hold it has over him.
So if he can allay our fears by doing other things too then we will lift those limits and see how it goes. I plan to have this discussion with him, brainstorm the things that need to be done each day (exercise, family meal, some chores, a proper effort at school) and say if he can manage his responsibilities the same way we do then we will let him also manage his screentime.
I will point out that Nobody monitors my screentime because I still meet my responsibilities. If he can meet that same requirement then he will have shown he is mature enough to manage his own time how he wishes.
Not sure how it will go in practice but the current limit on screentime is breaking us all apart so we have to try something different. Thank you for this perspective.
Hi Kaye,
I understand your fears. I had those same fears too. But when I really investigated my own fears, I could see that they were a scary fantasy about the future. There was no way I could know if “that is all he will ever do.”
In fact, both my sons eventually lost interest in gaming and took up new interests in their late teens. My eldest lives independently and my youngest lives at home and takes care of himself in regards to school work, exercise, some chores, some meals etc.
Thank you for posting this! I am 13 and I only have 2 hours of screen time, my mom is- I guess kind of strict about it, when I was younger about 10 or 9, she also counted chatting as screentime, I later convinced her to stop counting that as a screentime.
When I was growing up I had this friend and we loved to play this game, I always had to lie to her so I could play it more, because I only had 1 hour of screen time and an app that stopped me from using my phone(Family link.)
I understand that screen time isn’t a good thing, my mom always says that’s why I wear glasses, which isn’t true at all, It’s genetics, because almost everyone in my family wears glasses or used to, and anyways a bunch of my classmates sit all day on the computer and don’t wear glasses.
I think kids should have as much screen time as they want, besides you get bored after some time if you watch it everyday.
I guess I can relate to 7. I have screen time limits for years now(from like 7 years old, the first time I got my phone.), and I know being sneaky to use it is even worse than having no limits on screen time, because you use it much more than you would without limits.
I would also like to add, just because you have no limits on screen time doesn’t mean that you have no hobbies, skills ect… you do, I have hobbies and skills I also spend time with my family aswell.
If you are a parent you should know how horrible your kid feels having screen time.
Sorry if I made grammar mistakes or formed the sentence wrong, english isn’t my first language:)
Screen time should be limited at night, period.
Not period
i think that on your phone you should be allowed two hours of games (unless you’re traveling) and like four on console or computer unless it’s on the weekends or you’re playing/ watching the screen with a friend either online or local play.
My dad gives me a ‘baseline’ of 1 hour of screentime per day. He lets me earn screentime such as 45 min studying=30 min screentime. He set up screentime since my grades in first semester were horrible. I have since gotten my grades up to mostly A’s and one D and C. I read on this website that limiting screentime can tear apart relationships and yes me and my dad spend so much time arguing about it it has teared us apart. I stayed home from school today and the family therapist told my dad to not let me earn screentime this weekend. I think at my own age I should be learning to manage my screentime and I wish my dad would give me a second chance to have unlimited time. Does anyone have any advice?
I am 14 years old and my parents give me 30 minutes of screen time on a weekday (give or take a few minutes), an hour on Saturday, and no screen time on Sunday. I don’t have a phone that can connect to the internet, and I had to beg for a phone that could even call and text. Even though I don’t have much screen time, I don’t hate my parents. In fact, I love them very much and am so glad that they didn’t let me get on a screen whenever I wanted to when I was younger. According to http://www.osfhealthcare.org, a good amount of screen time for a 14 year old is no more than two hours per day, except for homework. Also, kidshealth.org says, “Too much media use can interfere with getting enough exercise, doing homework, being with friends, and spending time with family. It also can contribute to obesity, attention and learning problems, and sleep problems.” If parents let children choose their screen time, there’s a good chance that they will spend way too much screen time. And before you say something like, “Oh, but Winter, MY sons are perfectly fine without me limiting their screen time,” realize that not all children are the same. Maybe your sons are outliers, or maybe they are addicted to their screens and you just don’t see it because, to you, the outrageous amount of screen time they have per day is normal. Too much screen time will impact most, if not all, children in horrible ways.
PS. The #3 on the reasons to not impose restrictions on screen time is, to put it bluntly, stupid. To answer the many questions you have in reason 3, I have made a Q&A for you.
Q: Can you be certain that you’re right?
A: Yes. I can.
Q: No doubt you’ve read or heard that gaming or screen time can be harmful for children and you’re worried. But can you be sure that it’s true?
A: Yes, people have heard that screen time can be harmful because it has been scientifically proven that too much screen time IS harmful. To answer your question, yes! we can be sure it’s true! I trust scientific studies much more than I trust your impaired judgement.
Q: Is it really that black and white?
A: What do you mean, is it really that black and white? You’re the one making it seem black and white!
Q: How much is “too much” and do different children have different experiences?
A: Too much screen time does vary for different people, but for most kids (5 to 17 years old), 2 hours max per day is good.
Q: Can you easily navigate all the conflicting advice and “studies” that you are bombarded with these days?
A: We can easily navigate the conflicting advice as long as we stick to proven facts and not just some random person making a website saying that too much screen time is good (i.e. actual scientists and Freya Dawson). Also, why did you put quotes around the word studies? Are you saying the studies are just an elaborate ruse set up by parents to limit screen time?
Q: Can you think of 3 things that you were told by your parents were “bad for you” that you did anyway and didn’t actually harm you? Maybe eating lots of chocolate, watching scary movies or playing video games?
A: No, I can’t. Also, not all bad things hurt. And eating lots of chocolate can give you stomach aches and cavities.
Q: Ask yourself again; can you be absolutely sure that screen time is harming your child?
A: Okay. Winter, can I be absolutely sure that screen time is harming me?…. Myself says yes. I can be absolutely sure that screen time is harming me.
You never gave reasoning on how you are sure, and you can’t just say that you on some research thing.
That whole comment was my reasoning! Fine, if you’re stubborn, here’s my reasoning. According to multiple websites made by actual doctors, if someone spends more than a couple hours on a screen per day, it could cause sleep deprivation, obesity, depression, anxiety, problems in the neck and back, eye strain, lower self esteem, an increase in aggression levels, loss of cognitive thinking, and even heart disease or cancer.
👏👏👏
My son slowly became an iPad enthusiast over the pandemic because he’s an only child and we were careful about Covid exposure. He does all kinds of things. Art, classes, games with friends (social time) etc etc. he has some sensory issues and has had some ADHD type issues in school this year. I have asked both his pediatrician and therapist and neither says to limit his screen time.
Hey Freya. I would like to know who published this article. My son needs it for his school project.
Hi Montana,
I published this article. It is my own writing based on my experience as a parent raising two sons who were passionate gamers.
Hi, Thankyou so much for this website! I have to show it to my parents because both are control freaks and I can only use my phone for 1 hour per day!!
Hats off to whoever wrote this!
The reasons are pretty reasonable, as someone who has a screen time limit that is set until night time.
There is a great deal of proven science out there about how extended time affects children’s brains, which are still forming. They have shown that after a certain number of hours a day the cortex of the brain starts thinning. This is the part of the brain that is related to critical thinking and reasoning. To me, it is scary to see that you basically promote no limits. Children need to learn that moderation is key in life. Setting limits is a good thing, whether it is food, alcohol, sweets, gaming, or anything else. If they can’t learn this from their parent, then who do they learn it from? I teach middle school and have students who can’t stay awake in class on a daily basis because they have been up late gaming or on their devices; they don’t have self-control enough to stop and their parents do nothing about it. This is very sad to me.
i need some advice, as a highschooler soon going to the world alone, i need my time to finally get close and reach out to all my friends, and i need something to keep me cooled and happy, relaxed as well, this is why i use my phone a lot, but my parents see this as something that takes away my sleep or something i use so much, i really dont see any harm into using my phone a lot as they literally do the same, but i feel like i am going to lose my connection with my friends thanks to my parents. what should i even tell my parents about this?
I think that on your phone you should be allowed two hours of games (unless you’re traveling or don’t have a console) and four on a console or computer unless it’s on the weekends or you’re playing/ watching the screen with a friend either online or local play.
If you have Apple you can tell them about the downtime it makes it so you can’t have your phone’s access to certain apps at certain times but be careful in mentioning this as they might make it nearly impossible to play
But there is a workaround by going to setting and typing in the search bar “time”
Then going to date and time you will be able to change the time and date
don’t set the date too far into the past or you won’t be able to do online things
It is great when people of any age take responsibility for their own screen time. A lot more problems can arise when parents take it upon themselves to force limits on their children.
I don’t have that bad of a down time or anything but literally everything I do is limited. I have almost 20 limits at this point. Even a site I was on for an hour for one day was limited. It doesn’t help me with depression if anything it make me more anxious and depressed, I can’t talk to my friends much because it’s limited and any time I get I will use every last second of it even if I don’t want to. I want to use all I can before it’s limited. I’ve been trying to find a site like this for a while because my parents never listen. Im hoping this helps.
I’m hoping it helps too.
This article is extremely dangerous. I see struggling parents trying every modest way too guide their dopamine starved kids from this new age of tech (a lot different than your already grown kids, the grip tech has now vs 20 years ago is night and day and you should address that instead of this lazy pandering journalism) and screens looking for advice to see this terribly irresponsible article with very impractical, unrealistic, and biased results from your kids who grew up in a way different time. And then I also see kids gathering up in arms being empowered by this article to rally against their parents who are trying to introduce structure in this addiction heavy world. They don’t care about the values you preach, they just want to shove this in their parents face because they want to get lost into the tiktok/Instagram algorithms designed to keep them addicted to unproductive, senseless entertainment. You highlight some good practical values about the importance of connecting with your children and teaching them how to navigate in HOPES of self regulating as they mature. But you speak so loosely and vaguely of your success as if it came so natural and it just fell into place since the age of 5 for yours and all you had to do was let go. I call complete baloney on this. You are either 1. A propagandist working a psy-op to strengthen the deterioration of childrens minds with tech. 2. A non-parent journalist that took some development class in college trying to gain internet traction by writing controversial nonsense. Or 3. a parent who got either, extremely luck or had a very different way of life with your children that you are choosing to leave out of your article and are just so jaded and sociopathic that you are tethering your success to unlimited screen time when there were so many other factors at play and have no desire to mention because it’s not as influential as something non-sensical as “I just treated my 5 year old like and adult and let them do whatever they want”. (Even free spirited hippy parents cringe at these ideas. )
It’s just irresponsible to give such vague and basic claims with nothing in depth to explain it. This isn’t a magic fix solution. You have no idea how development works and it shows. You basically are saying nothing at all. All I’m reading is “my kids turned out fine without me having to impose restriction and structure so the solution must be what I did.” You should honestly delete this. YES, parents need to connect with their kids. YES, parents need to lead by example. YES, parents need to be compassionate and help their kids understand instead of just being angry and denying them all the time. These are all fundamental things to raise a well aware, responsible adult. But the answer is definitely NO, to giving them free reign on their lives at the child stages. You need to retract this whole thing. The Fox News/CNN Sheep will worship this stuff. We don’t need more garbage on the internet.
The simple solution to all this is to teach your kids that at the end of the day Technology is a tool first and foremost, and to use it as entertainment is a privilege, but ULTIMATELY, Teaching them how to self entertain and self sooth without it AT ALL is the goal and the only way it will hit home is if you do it with them. I’m talking to the PARENTS. Modern technology we have access to is 80% poison, 20% ideal. Parents need to break their own shackles and be accountable and honest with themselves before they can help their children. Kids can smell bs from a mile away and can smell their parents the easiest.
I obviously don’t think this article is extremely dangerous, or I wouldn’t have published it. I am a parent who chose a very different way of life for herself and her children than the conventional one. It was a life based on respect, trust and interest-based learning. I am sharing my experience and do so in many articles on my website. I have no intention of retracting this article.
Stop being toxic to authors bro
I have 1hr total screen time and I am sick of it as I get teased by my friends
I’ve had a limit of 2 hrs a day for almost a year by now and it just stresses me out so freaking much.I feel like my parents are against me so I’m glad I found this website…
Had a horrible experience with screentime…. Dealing with a hyper sexualized ten year old whose addicted to screentime .. learned everything she knows about anything inappropriate and bad on her iPad (even with a heavy watch and guidance) .. started cutting herself to match the people on the videos she was watching… now I’ve taken it indefinitely and only offer Duolingo and the books apps…. Constantly breaks my trust over and over again anytime I try to give her an inch. When I gave her free will she only abused it. I feel like I did everything right…. Screentime was the worst thing for my child. It’s ruined her life. Anyone who is considering free rein please heavily think about it.
Freya i want to show this website to my parents but i am too scared and i feel like they are going to tell me off 🙁
Do it!! It is an article. No harm to show them.
freya, this website was my only hope at getting my parents to relax, but i found out they have already read this. what do i do??!
Talk to them? Or just try and relax yourself. This too shall pass.
Wow, this is a very different view of parenting. I am 100% comfortable being the bad guy. I believe it’s my role as the responsible adult to make the safe choice knowing that my child may not be immediately happy. I understand that. I am comfortable with that. It’s because I have the emotional maturity to know I am responsible for my son’s safety until he his brain has full matured.
Hi there, I read your new stuff on a regular basis. Your writing style is witty, keep doing what you’re doing!
Interesting perspectives, everyone needs to do what they think is best for their children. I remember having total unlimited time for video games and computer growing up. I have achieved some level of success being healthy and fit, going to a good college and a professional degree on top of that. I also remember going from gifted student in elementary to a B- student in high school, college and in the bottom quarter of my class in my grad school. I was the worst at my sport position by senior year statistically and even lost my starting position to a freshman. I had a few scouting looks in my sport, but it never planned out. I have trouble keeping friendships and don’t really feel close to many people, being somewhat of a loner. I struggled in the beginning of my career and made much less than my contemporaries for many years. I struggle with motivation and procrastinating. I wonder if I had spent a little more time studying, a little more time working on my fitness and sport, more time reading and time with friends, if things might have been different. I was on the border in many things and some things went ok, others not so much. We decided to limit our kids screen time, and I am strict with several things and avoid some of the more addictive games like Minecraft and fortnite because I don’t want them addicted to all the games I played way too much. They resist but I see much better things when they are not screened out.
Hi John, Thanks for your thoughtful comment. You seem to believe that you gamed “too much” and that this caused unwanted consequences, but perhaps there were other factors involved? And as you say, you have achieved success in your own way. I respect your right to limit your child’s screen time. For some families this causes a great deal of stress and struggle, but maybe not in yours.
As a teenager, I’ve been given many devices over the course of my childhood. Each one of those devices had screen time. Xbox, screen time. Nintendo Switch, screen time. Even my television had a time of day or night that it would just automatically shut off. And back then I was between the ages 10 and 13. I didn’t get a cellphone until I was in the 7th grade and up until then I felt embarrassed and ashamed because generally I was one of the small number of children who didn’t have one at the time.
I switched schools in 6th grade (still not having a phone) and went to a private school for the rest of middle school. I couldn’t talk to anyone outside of school. Couldn’t get the contact information of my old friends before I had to leave that school. Friends of years. Couldn’t have social media to see what people from my old school were doing. I felt lonely.
Then when I finally got a phone, there was screen time. The times weren’t too crazy but I still felt there was a lack of trust and to be honest I still feel that today. I followed the screen time rules, but I became more hostile towards my family. I think it was a silent grudge due to the screen time rules. Then I turned 14 and for my birthday my parents didn’t get me anything (we’re a presents kind of family) and it made me feel inferior.
However my grandma bought me a VR headset and since she bought it, there was no screen time placed in it. I was so grateful. It was the summer and I didn’t have any real friends at that time since that private school didn’t provide any safe space for me, especially being the only person of color at that school (in my grade at least).
Details aren’t important, but eventually I had that taken away from me permanently, which I’ve come to deal with, now it being 2 years later. I also think even now I hold a grudge against my parents from when they took that away from me. I feel as if they were waiting for the chance to take it away with any real reasoning and when they found that opportunity they took it (literally).
But in between this time, when I turned 15, I figured out the password to my screen time. Then that password was changed. And I figured it out again. I turned off my screen time. It’s still off to this day. I turned it off because I didn’t feel I deserved it and still don’t feel that way.
My take is that my parents are so worried about my phone (specifically my dad), when my mother literally has the same issues, but hey, it’s okay because she’s an adult, right? My grades now are better than they’ve ever been. My behavior lies on a balance beam because I don’t feel trusted when I should be. It just doesn’t make sense to me (and never will) how my parents can be so worried about me being on my phone too long. Or what I’m doing on there. I could write so much more about bedtimes alone. But I’ll spare you of your time.
The fact is, at 12 am, I’m in the house, in my room. Why does it matter that I’m on my phone? My sleep is fine, my grades are fine, I feel fine. “It’ll take a toll when you’re older!” Then let it. I have no issue with that and I don’t see how when I’m older is anyone’s business but my own. Other kids my age are literally reproducing but no, the issue with me is that I’m on my devices too long? You decide what seems worse. Because I think having kids at 16 will “Take a toll on you when you’re older!” Either way, my dad told me that he’s not fixing my phone, or doing anything phone related for me until I follow his rules about screen time and when I use my phone. I’ve also come to deal with that.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience of having screen time limits imposed on you, and how you have responded. I think you have clearly described the unforeseen negative effects that these imposed limits can have. I also think you show us adults how easy it is to wildly underestimate a child, or teen’s maturity and capacity to decide what is good fro themselves. You are dealing with this situation situation so well.